No, Yuki, You Can't Flee to Mexico
by Oxenstierna D. Yuki-Rin
Summary: Oneshot. Yuki Kaai is an innocent, little girl who lives with her father in Hong Kong. One day, her mother, Meiko, takes Yuki to live with her at a large mansion in Shanghai. But, things complicate Yuki's new life when a pimp and his many wives enter the picture. Will Yuki adjust to life at her new home, or will she have to flee to Mexico?


**Author's Note: **Here we are, with another entry in my _**The Joy Luck Club **_**Parody One-Shot Series**. This time, it's a parody of my favorite story in the book, _Magpies_. Even though it's a parody of my favorite story in the book, I worked on this on and off for the past few months due to procrastination, writer's block, and whatnot.

By the way, this fic can also be seen as a _Madness of Duke Venomania_ AU if you look at it that way.

**Disclaimer: I don't own any Vocaloids or _The Joy Luck Club_.**

* * *

Once upon a time, there was a young girl named Yuki Kaai. She lived with her dad, Kiyoteru Hiyama, in Hong Kong. One day, Yuki's mother, Meiko, came to visit them from Shanghai. Why she lived away from her family, we will get to that later. On the last day of Meiko's visit, she told Yuki a story.

"There was once a turtle that swallowed your tears from the time you cried when you fell off your bike the first time, the time when you got homesick for the first time, and the time where you watched Fullmetal Alchemist and you cried when Riza shot at Black Hayate for peeing inside. Then, the tears turned to magpies, which spread as much happiness as Isaac Dian, Miria Harvnet, and Double Rainbows," Meiko explained.

"Wow, mommy, that was a cool story! What do you suppose the moral of the story is?" Yuki asked Meiko in a cute an innocent way that transcends Shirley Temple, Tony Tony Chopper, Rue from _The Hunger Games_, Chiyo Mihama, Baby Dave Strider, and Yotsuba Koiwai.

"The moral of the story is to stop acting like a little bitch and man up. Not all of us are whiny, little bitches like Tsuna Sawada and Renton Thurston," Meiko explained.

"But, Tsuna has the Dying Will Bullets and Renton has the Nirvash!" Yuki cried.

"Yuki, you're completely missing the point of my story," Meiko told Yuki seriously. The next morning, Yuki was eating her pancakes for breakfast, when Meiko came into the room.

"Yuki, do you want to come with me to a magical place?" Meiko asked Yuki.

"Umm... Okay. Where are we going to go?" Yuki asked Meiko.

"We're going to Candy Mountain!" Meiko anwsered.

"That's awesome! I'm going to go get health insurance to protect my kidney!" Yuki said.

"Oh, before you ask, you ARE NOT taking Kiyoteru," Meiko added. The next thing Yuki knew, was that all of her belongings were packed into suitcases and she and Meiko were on a train in mainland China.

"Suck it, Kiyoteru!" Meiko yelled out of a window.

"So, mommy, what is my new home like?" Yuki asked Meiko.

"_Should I pull an Usopp and lie to her, or tell her the cold, hard truth? Well, she is only ten, so I should pull an Usopp! And, now, I think I have cosplay ideas for Anime Expo_!" Meiko thought to herself.

"Well, how's life at my new home?" Yuki asked Meiko.

"It's freaking awesome, Yuki! Your new dad is wealthy, so you will get to live in this bitchin' mansion! Oh, and don't get me started on the food! The food is great! It's awesome!" Meiko lied.

"Cool!" Yuki said. A few days later, they arrived in Shanghai.

"What? What do you mean we have to take a Greyhound bus and not a limo to the house? This is B.S., man!" Meiko yelled into her cell phone before she threw it on the ground and stomped on it, a la Izaya Orihara.

"Mommy, why are you stomping on your phone?" Yuki innocently asked Meiko.

"Well, Yuki... My phone died! Guess who's going to be traveling on a Greyhound bus to your new home!" Meiko anwsered. A few minutes later, their Greyhound bus arrived at a bitchin' mansion.

"You're right, mommy, this mansion is bitchin'!" Yuki commented in awe.

"Now, now, Yuki, little girls shouldn't say words like 'bitchin'', 'fuck', 'Flogging Molly' or, 'boxcar'," Meiko instructed as they walked to the front door of the mansion. A blue-haired teenager eating ice cream stood at the door.

"Meiko, welcome home," The man greeted them.

"Yuki, this is Kaito Shion, a member of Ice Creamaholics Anonyomous who is a servant at this mansion. Can you say hi to the ice cream addict?" Meiko asked Yuki.

"Pleased to meet you, Mr. Kaito," Yuki introduced herself to the boy, who was named Kaito. Kaito chuckled at the ten year-old's cuteness.

"Yuki, would you like to go upstairs to your new room?" Kaito asked Yuki.

"Of course!" Yuki anwsered. At that moment, a blonde-haired shota wearing shota clothes that made him look overtly sexy exited the mansion.

"Len, take Yuki up to her room," Kaito instructed to the teenager, who was named Kagamine Len.

"Alright, man," Len said before he took Yuki by the hand and lead her into the house.

"Yo, Kaito, wanna go to the bar-slash-ice cream shop with me tonight so we can both drown our sorrows and get hungover together?" Meiko asked Kaito.

"Okay. But, as long as Gakupo doesn't come back," Kaito anwsered. Meiko shuddered. Meanwhile, Len showed Yuki the room she shared with Meiko.

"Alright, Yuki, this is your room that you will share with Meiko," Len said as he led Yuki into a very fancy room with two beds, a flat-screen, wall mounted T.V., a Playstation 3, and a balcony.

"Mr. Len, why do I share a room with mommy?" Yuki asked Len in a cute way.

"Uhh... I... Rin!" Len called out to his twin sister. That night, Yuki and Meiko sat on the balcony eating various snacks. Why Meiko didn't go to the bar/ice cream shop with Kaito, we don't know.

"Alright, Yuki, cheers to your new, bitchin' life," Meiko said before they toasted their Ramune and ate their Pocky as the NomNom song played in the background.

* * *

A few days later, Yuki was playing lawn darts outside with Kaito.

"Alright, Yuki, go easy on me. I haven't played lawn darts in a while," Kaito explained. Yuki then threw the dart, and it hit Kaito in the balls. "Ow! Son of a -"

Kaito then clutched his manhood in pain. Then, he was prodded by a pimp cane.

"That will be enough."

Kaito looked up to see Kamui Gakupo, Yuki's new daddy. With him was his fifth (yes, fifth) wife, Megurine Luka.

"You must be Yuki, my daughter. I am Kamui Gakupo, your father," Gakupo explained. Yuki trembled in fear. "Here, have a cookie."

Gakupo pulled a cookie out of his pocket. Yuki screamed.

"I need an adult!" Yuki cried before she ran off. Gakupo, Kaito, and Luka sweatdropped.

"I am an adult," Gakupo huffed as he crossed his arms. "I mean, I DO treat my bitches right."

Luka rolled her eyes.

"Right..." Luka said. That night, Yuki was trying to fall asleep, when Meiko entered the room.

"Yuki, wake up," Meiko whispered to Yuki, who woke up.

"Is the house on fire?" Yuki innocently asked Meiko.

"No, sweetie. You're gonna have a sleepover with Kaito tonight," Meiko said before she began to cry. Yuki sweatdropped.

"Why are you crying, mommy?" Yuki asked Meiko.

"Just... Go to Kaito's room. You're too young to know what sex is," Meiko explained as Gakupo entered with a whip.

"Are you ready for tonight?" Gakupo asked Meiko sexily. Meiko covered Yuki's eyes and picked her up.

"Not in front of Yuki! We have to protect her innocence!" Meiko cried as she ushered Yuki out of the room.

* * *

The next day, it was obvious that both Meiko and Luka had been crying.

"Mommy, what's wrong?" Yuki asked Meiko. Before Meiko could answer, Gakupo's other three wives, Gumi Megapoid (first wife), Lily (second wife), and Kasane Teto (third wife) arrived at the mansion.

"We're home!" Teto announced before she noticed Yuki. "Aww! She's so cute! I'm taking her home with me!"

Teto began to pinch Yuki's cheeks.

"Who are you people?" Yuki asked Teto and Lily.

"You're so cute! Have my necklace!" Lily said as she gave Yuki a pearl necklace. Later that afternoon...

"Mommy! Mommy! Look what Lily gave me!" Yuki shouted as she ran into the living room. With a gasp, Meiko ripped Yuki's necklace off of her, threw the necklace to the ground, stomped onto the necklace until the glass beads broke, got out a handgun, and shot the necklace.

When Meiko calmed down, Yuki was understandably upset.

"Mommy! What did you do?" Yuki cried. Meiko sighed.

"I didn't want you to hear my story until you were at least twenty-one and reading _Fifty Shades of Grey_, but you have to hear it now," Meiko said. "It started a few years back..."

* * *

***Begin Flashback, Five Years Ago***

_Meiko was driving down the streets of Shanghai on a clear night, when her car broke down._

_"Damnit!" Meiko cursed as she pulled off to the side of the road. After about an hour or so looking for what caused her car to stop, Meiko discovered that she needed some jumper cables in order to restart the car. Thankfully, Gakupo's mansion was nearby, so Meiko went over to the mansion and knocked on the door. Lily answered the door after several moments._

_"Hi, do you have any jumper cables?" Meiko asked Lily._

_"Head inside, please," Lily said. One long night later, Gakupo and Meiko were "married" and Meiko got her jumper cables._

***End Flashback, Revert to the Present***

* * *

"Oh, no! Mommy, we have to get out of here!" Yuki cried, now sensing that this mansion was a dangerous place.

"Of course, we will. We're going to move back to Hong Kong, since Gakupo is giving me a vacation home there," Meiko said as she patted Yuki's back.

"Oh, Dear Lord! Lily, don't die on me! Please! I'll give you the house in Hong Kong I was supposed to give to Meiko!"

Meiko's face darkened.

"Are we going home, mommy?" Yuki asked Meiko.

"We're not... Lily's faking a suicide again so she can get things. Please don't do those type of things, Yuki," Meiko said before she ran upstairs.

* * *

A week later, it was the day before Walpurgis Night, and Yuki, Rin, and Len were playing a board game.

"And I, Kagamine Rin of House Greyjoy, make a strategic camp up on top of the Eyrie so I can attack Kagamine Len of House Tyrell and take his bannermen," Rin proclaimed as she knocked around Len's game pieces. Len pouted and crossed his arms.

"I don't wanna play this game anymore! House Tyrell sucks! I wanna be in House Targaryen!" Len whined. Then, somebody screamed.

"I guess winter is coming," Rin said with a shrug. A panicked Kaito ran into the room.

"Yuki, come quick. Your mother is dying."

A few minutes later, everyone in the mansion was surrounding Meiko on her deathbed.

"Mommy! Why are you going?" Yuki cried.

"I drank some bad things, because I AM SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF BEING MISTREATED BY SOME GUY WHO CALLS HIMSELF 'PIMP DADDY GAKUPO'!" Meiko said gently to Yuki before she shouted angrily at Gakupo. Everyone gasped. "AND, AS FOR LILY, I'LL SEE HER IN HELL!"

Then, Meiko closed her eyes and died. Everyone grew silent.

"Well, then... She was my bitch, so I have to treat her right, even in the afterlife," Gakupo said.

"You better, since my mommy hates you!" Yuki yelled to Gakupo.

"Excuse me, young lady?" Gakupo cried.

"I said, 'my mommy hates you', you big, fat meanie!" Yuki cried.

"Yuki, go to your room," Gakupo said sternly.

"I was already planning on going there!" Yuki yelled before she stormed off. A half-hour later, Yuki was still in her room when somebody knocked on her window. Yuki opened her window, and Meiko was sitting on the windowsill.

"Mommy?" Yuki cried. Meiko sushed Yuki.

"Shh! Nobody knows I faked my death!" Meiko whispered.

"But, what did you drink?" Yuki asked.

"That was Vitamin Water and a sleeping pill," Meiko explained. "Now, pack your things. We're leaving this dump."

"Are we going home?" Yuki asked.

"No, Gakupo will find you there. We're running away to Mexico," Meiko explained.

"But, mommy, I don't know Spanish," Yuki pointed out. Meiko put her hand on Yuki's shoulder.

"It'll be okay. We'll go home soon," Meiko said reassuringly.

* * *

**One year later...**

Meiko and Yuki were at the airport in Mexico City, awaiting their flight to Hong Kong.

"Yuki, are you ready to go home?" Meiko asked Yuki.

"Si, mama," Yuki said with a nod.

"_Attention - Flight 528 from Mexico City to Hong Kong is now boarding._"

Meiko looked outside. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and mother and daughter were going home after one long year.

"Vamos al Hong Kong," Meiko said to herself as she and Yuki stepped outside to board the plane.

* * *

**Ending Note: **Somebody should make an MMD movie about this oneshot. If you do make an MMD movie about this oneshot, please send me the link so I can see it. XD

**Review if you want to see more Vocaloid humor.**


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